Review: SEX AT DAWN: A BOON TO THE OPEN RELATIONSHIPS by Kamela Dolinova

» Posted by on Oct 4, 2012 in Love | 2 comments

Review of Sex at Dawn by Kamela Dolinov & Bonobo Bestowal Ritual for Pair Date by Janet Kira Lessin

Review: SEX AT DAWN: A BOON TO THE OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
Forward from http://www.examiner.com/article/sex-at-dawn-a-boon-to-the-open-relationships-crowd.

 

For polyamorists, swingers, and other practitioners of open relationships, America just became a slightly better place, thanks to the publication of Sex At Dawn, the new popular anthropology book that has been tearing up major news outlets.  Don Savatge called the book “the single most important book on human sexuality since Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the American public in 1948,” word about husband and wife duo Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha’s work has been spreading like…well, like prehistoric women’s legs.

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According to Ryan and Jetha, the overwhelming physiological and archeological evidence shows that our pre-agricultural ancestors were not monogamous, nor even serially monogamous as some more liberal thinkers claim. Instead, these hunter-gatherers lived in “fiercely egalitarian” societies where everything was shared: food, shelter, parenting, and yes – sexual partners. The common mode of living in early human bands was apparently closer to a communal marriage than what we think of as a “traditional” one, in which paternity certainty was unimportant and women – as well as men – had sex as often as they wished with as many as they wished.

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Predictably, a few misguided idiots and plenty of random internet commenters are responding to the book with a certain amount of vitriol. But more surprising is that the first three pages of today’s Google search for the book’s title are full of praise for the work – a wave of mainstream media acceptance of the idea that maybe, just maybe, our species isn’t naturally monogamous after all.

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Ryan himself (clearly the public face of the book) has repeatedly said that people shouldn’t take their findings as carte blanche to cheat on their spouses, or that everyone should be polyamorous. In fact, it’s impossible to say at this moment what the impact of the findings might be on the lives of people who now, 10,000 years after the advent of agriculture, live so very differently than their ancestors did.

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The popularity of this book and its scientific underpinnings are a huge step in the literature for those of us who have refused to buy into the monogamy deal. The idea that jealousy is not an inherent human state, that the exchange of sexual exclusivity for security and support is a cultural construct, and that the natural state of human sexuality is much more complicated than the overculture would have us believe may not go over well with everyone, but it is a great leap forward from the slew of evolutionary psychologists and other authorities from Darwin onward who have insisted on our species “natural” propensity for pair-bonded monogamy.

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BONOBO BESTOWAL RITUAL FOR PAIR DATE by Janet Kira Lessin, Chief Focalizer, World Polyamory Association

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Polyamory and bisexuality  reconnect to women –my mirrors, the divine feminine–in a path of self-discovery and exploration examining our current roles in relation to one another and developing new models of greater intimacy and deeper connection.

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Hubby Sasha and I celebrate our sexual joining a couple we’ve gotten to know with a woman-to-woman rite I call Goddess Gifting Goddess.  

.For me, the dance of two couples begins with the two women. Before my husband and I engage sexually with another couple, I talk with the woman and seeif we connect emotionally. I need to re-arouse in myself and feel in her the Divine Feminine-the sweet goddess solidarity we shared as girls-before sharing physical intimacy..I and many other women, need to re-arouse the goddess solidarity we lost when we developed sexually. When boys started oogling, we girls diminished our unity by competing with each other. We abandoned each other for boys. When a boy said he wanted to see me, I unhesitatingly said, “Yes,”-and blew off plans I had at the same time with my girlfriends. But I remember how close I was with my three girlfriends before that..I met Pam when I was 8, Tracy when I was 9 and Jill joined us when I was 13. We threw pajama parties, camped out, talked about boys. Four Musketeers, we united against the dark forces. We could hardly wait till school was out to see each other. In summer we clung together from dawn to dusk. We was sweet.

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Then, Spring of ’67, Karl started hanging out- side my window calling for me to come play. A boy was here. He wanted me. But Karl’s best friend, Jerry, complicated things.

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Jerry dated Jill and tried to seduce me on the sly. He kept slipping over to my house till I finally had to physically push him out the door. Years later, I learned Jerry had secretly been visiting Pam and Tracy too and that he’d bragged to his pals he’d have intercourse with each of us Four Musketeers before the end of Summer ’68. We girls contributed to the hidden tear in our feminine fiber by deceiving each other.

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We maintained our ostensible closeness. We got together regularly and discussed our steady boy- friends (we each had one) and the male lurkers waiting to replace our steadies. But we were growing apart from years of lying to one another and fighting off Jerry’s attentions, as well as guilt, competition and embarrassment. We Musketeers had lost our open and honest communication; our total alienation was immanent.

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On a personal level I was both attracted and repulsed and was experiencing a strange paradox within myself which I couldn’t resolve, I became disgusted and ashamed of myself for not speaking up to Jill, yet was afraid of hurt- ing her. How could I tell one of my best girlfriends (Jill) and my boyfriend (Karl) what his best friend (Jerry) was doing? And underneath that, how could I confess what I was doing?

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Bottom line, I was turned on. Jill told me how won- derful Jerry was as a lover and Karl and I were too afraid of pregnancy to let go and fully experience lovemaking. Con- sequently, I was still quite virginal and wanted to know what making love was like.

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Christmas of 1969 Jill got pregnant. It was a shock to all of us. I guess we never thought it would happen to any of us, we had deluded ourselves. Since Jill was only 15 and Jerry 14, and neither sets of parents would give permission for them to get married. This was pre-abortion days and abortions were illegal. Jill was about to become an unwed mother.

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That was almost the final blow for the fantastic four. We held on for one final summer then things deteriorated to another level when Pam and Tracy followed suit, almost as though responding to some deep primal call, and got pregnant as well!

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I was too smart for that and politely bowed out of that competition.

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Some of us married, some didn’t, bottom line the search for husbands and fathers began. I got married at 16 and I wasn’t even pregnant! Looking back, I’m not certain what I was thinking. From this perspective, 30 years down the line, my behavior was quite bizarre. Funny how time changes perspectives. I’m certain I thought it was a good idea back then.

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At first the Four Musketeers talked once in a while. As our lives grew more complex with children and husbands and boyfriends, our communications dropped from seldom to once in a while to our current situation which is not at all and where in the world are they? I’m left wondering what happened? And yes, ouch, it does hurt.

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I woke in the middle of the night in a puddle of what I believed was urine. I cried from embarrassment and shame and my friend’s mother rushed into the room, calmed my fears, changed the sheets and assured me it was ok, accidents happen to everyone. The incident puzzled me for there was no smell or color and I had never lost control of my bladder before or since. I was so embarrassed, but somehow managed to fall back asleep and never spoke of it to anyone.

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Upon reflection and from the perspective of what I know now, I realize that I hadn’t wet the bed from urine, that I had experienced the equivalent of a feminine “wet dream” where I ejaculated amrita from the excitement and stimulation of the activity with my girlfriend.

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I’ve learned that poly dating is a format where my hidden dreams can become reality. I’ve hungered for the connection with the beloved female for so long and re- pressed it due to my programming which judged such things as “bad.”

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In disconnecting with our feminine we women disempowered ourselves, not only personally but on a global level. In the days of tribe in community we women KNEW who we were. In knowingness we contributed and maintained a balance with the masculine and the partnership society reined across the world.

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Somehow, and on some level quite voluntarily, we women co-created the patriarchy with men by removing ourselves from primary contact with other women and entering into the world of the masculine. In monogamy and the nuclear family women became more isolated from each other. Working in a male-dominated world we focused women focused on our inner male in order to succeed.

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So for me polyamory and bisexuality is a way to reconnect to women-my mirrors, the divine feminine-in a path of self-discovery and exploration examining our current roles in relation to one another and developing new models of greater intimacy and deeper connection.

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One day in therapy I remembered my earliest sexual experience which I had repressed and totally forgotten. I was about ten years old and my girlfriend Pam was eleven. She was developing breasts and I was absolutely fascinated by them. I would grab them then we’d both giggle. On some level-both of us getting turned on and excited. The acts themselves were forbidden. Parts of me were ashamed yet neither of us ever verbalized our thoughts. We just experienced our desire by acting upon them while simultaneously suppressing them, erupting in an explosion of laughter, which we couldn’t quite understand.

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When Cleo and I met eyes across the room our hearts connected and our eyes lit up. We “fell” in love instantly, just like male to female, lovers at first sight.

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I was taken aback, a bit shocked. I hadn’t felt that type of connection with a woman since “R!’ several years ago and I thought I’d neel that again.

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Sasha and I were involved with another couple. My heart broke when we broke up over my jealousy and hurt. We four didn’t seem to have the tools to discuss it, let alone resolve it.  Cleo and I held back politely while the others ran through formal introductions. She approached me first, with a hug and a smile and declared “I would like to be with you.

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She wanted to be with me! Despite the presence of two incredibly delicious men, two traditionally heterosexual-leaning ladies connected soul to soul and chose above all else to be with one another.

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In the middle of my enthusiastic embrace I shifted and looked toward Sasha for “permission,” which some part of me feels is necessary and the other part realizes it is not required as Sasha supports me fully in my mission of reconnecting with Goddess. I prefer the inclusionary model where Sasha and I are there together always in our sexual connections. He had to leave for work and he assured me that we would maintain our linkage, our energetic connection, despite-the fact he would not be physically present.

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The magic was obvious for all four of us. Sasha and Tony and I had been friends for many years. We had always wanted to get together and yet we never could seem to find the time. Now Tony and Cleo were lovers and the circle seemed complete.

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It was agreed that the men had work to do and it was delightful that we ladies felt such a strong connection so we could have some private time together and then the four of us would convene at our home after sundown.

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Cleo and I met after our showers and we were giggling, we were so nervous. Neither of us had any extensive experience with loving ladies. It was difficult to begin. Our monkey-brain chatter kept us laughing and engaged, distracted from what we were feeling. It was good, in a way, we needed to diffuse some of the excitement, the energy was so intense. With every word we spoke, every manner- ism, the nuances of our extremely expressive faces, our body language, we melted our fears and opened our hearts. We poured out our thoughts and feelings, so hidden, repressed, suppressed from a lifetime of religious supplication.

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After a while, we realized how we were distracting ourselves, with giggles and talk, from our true desires of physical intimacy and consciously decided to slow down our breath and focus on our intentions.

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I was nervous, hot. “Let’s take off our clothes?” I asked. She laid on her back and invited me into her arms. I joined her, flesh upon flesh. Our eyes met. She spoke “Is this what men fall in love with?” We smiled and silently agreed. Our faces softened into curiosity. We kissed our first kiss followed irnmediately by childlike giggles in a final unconscious attempt to sabotage ourselves. Then came recovery, composure, then passion exploding and the giggles dissolved into squeals of delight. It felt like a homecoming, so natural, so sweet. I longed that all my sisters would know such tenderness and delight. What a delicacy for the soul. My heart soared. I felt born anew reconnecting with long- lost parts of me and finding yes, indeed this too is good.

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Cleo had to leave. She promised Tony she’d meet him at the appointed time. Sasha. returned from work and we had time to reconnect. All was perfect. At sundown Tony and Cleo arrived at our home.

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Our eyes lit up when we saw each other. Our hug was eternal. It seemed we couldn’t stop hugging one another. Even when we finally parted, our hands groped for one another as the four of us sat in a circle on the floor politely chatting. We patted each others’ legs and held hands in an attempt to comfort one another in our nervous anticipation.

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The guys wanted us to connect together, alone at first, since all of this was so new for us, and perhaps overwhelming.

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We assured them that we wanted them here with us, to witness our love and share our joy. They insisted on leaving, so we agreed and focused on one another.

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We melted into one another again, amazed at the intensity of our hearts. Nothing more was required.

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The guys returned full of smiles. They were quite pleased and full of themselves, looking forward to an evening of loving and playing. I felt so full of love that I wanted to gift Cleo with my beloved and his tantric skills. Sasha is so incredibly proficient at freeing the female ejaculate. She had never experienced her flow and felt inadequate as all of her girlfriends had. I felt saddened by this revelation. I thought, “Here once again a sister feels competitive, throwing herself into comparison with women who weren’t even here.”

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As I looked at my two special beauties, my love for both of them overflowed. I wanted dear Cleo to experience the bliss that she as a Goddess is entitled to know. Sasha and I became one organism, one instrument of love. With Cleo in the middle we connected and sent our energy and love out through her chakras removing in that instant any blocks to her complete and total fulfillment as a woman.

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She flowed, and flowed, and flowed. The Goddess gave birth to herself.

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Tony had remained silent, the witness, the observer. We gathered our foreheads together in a hug and savored the energy of the miracle we had all just witnessed. It mattered not whose body gave or received or watched. We all felt it as if it was our own body reveling in bliss. For that moment in time the veil was pierced and we were truly all One.

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It was late, nearly 2 am. The guys begged to be ex- cused. They had early morning appointments and needed to get a few winks of sleep.

Cleo and I cuddled and held onto each other, wanting time to stop, our energies to sustain us, fighting weariness. Soon it was past 3 am and we could do no more. We weren’t going to solve all the mysteries of the universe.

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We kissed goodnight and parted to go join our men in our separate beds.

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Cleo left the next day. Her home lies elsewhere. I love Cleo. I really do. I miss her. I acknowledge within myself there is a longing. No, I hunger.

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My practical self knows that her life lies elsewhere. I feel our love at all times and value it no matter what we manifest in terms of time and interaction. I know that we will see each other and love again. In the meanwhile, I dance with Sasha.

2 Comments

  1. Thank you. I found it quite interesting to have a glimpse into you.

  2. Jealousy is most certainly not a right, much less a normal human ( or animal feeling). I love the Sex at Dawn book if only for making that clear. No one owns anyone else – aren’t we lucky to live in a time when that is ( more or less) true?

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