by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D., Dean, School of Tantra www.schooloftantra.net
Heed what’s hard handling your honeys. Difficulties handling them expose your expectations that they’ll do what you want or forgo what you forbid.
But when you need your mates to make you happy, you produce pain. Sometimes you get your way, but sometimes you don’t. Why upset yourself over it?
Defeat your addictions–rigid conditioning that makes you hurt and angry. Addictions are hopes that hurt. They dictate how you and your darlings must relate for you to feel fulfilled.]
Replace your addictive demands with preferences. Get what you prefer and you smile. And if you don’t get what you prefer, you don’t cry. Preferences are wants which, when unmet, don’t make you moan.
IF YOUR PRECIOUS PEOPLE WON’T PERFORM AS YOU PREFER, PLEASE YOURSELF AND STILL APPRECIATE THEM
END SUFFERING: UPLEVEL ADDICTIVE DEMANDS TO PREFERENCES
1) Love is eternal, involvement, negotiable. Love your lovers forever, celebrate what you’ve shared. Wish them well and good-loving with whomever they connect, whether or not they keep connecting with you at the level and with the quality you want. You and they blessed each other, facilitated each other’s progress and development in life’s learning. Shower lovers past with appreciations and put your efforts into your currently active loves.
2) Uplevel addictive involvement–that which makes you suffer if you lack the contact you desire–to preference. If your attachment to a certain form of contact (regular alone time with a certain lover) hurts when you do not get it, transform that addictive demand (she must spend a certain amount and quality of 1×1 time with me) to a preference (I’m ok, in fact, quite happy, whether she does or does not spend time with me). Just keep telling your truth without blame or judgement to all concerned and enjoy what you’ve got, don’t sweat what you’ve not.
3) Reprogram the subself within you that perseveres in addictive behavior; find out when it came into your life, how it served you then, what it has done throughout the years to protect your vulnerability and what its interest is in holding on to the current diminishing relationship. Seriously consider other, more ecologically homoeostatic means of meeting the needs of this persevering subself’s addictive demands.
4) Never regard yourself as a second-class human, who must always defer to others’ needs. You’re sovereign; you must make yourself happy. Empathize with your own emotions, analyze your needs, make loving requests of those who care about you, requests that, if lovingly met, meet your needs. As much as possible, meet your own needs and experience the joy that attracts others to you.
MERGE WITH LOVERS; DISSOLVE SEPARATENESS ILLUSION
Here’s an exercise to do with each of your lovers. Do it and you and they’ll feel your oneness.
Sit with a partner. Maintain eye contact. Don’t touch.
Tell her or him, “I feel separateness from you when I say to myself … (specify all of the rational and irrational, serious and trivial, crazy and stupid and clear and astute things you say to yourself that make you feel separate from her or him.) Exhaust your list.
Your partner sits calmly and says, “Thank you” after each separation you enumerate.
Then have your partner tell you, “I feel separateness from you when I tell myself….” Encourage your partner to exhaust her or his separatenesses: calmly say “Thank you” for each.
Then join hands. Tell your partner, “I feel oneness with you when I tell myself ... (complete with all the things you tell yourself which make you feel close to your partner..) Reverse roles. Discuss your experience with this exercise.
When you raise your consciousness to the dyadic level you still keep your bodymind awareness, your distinct personality and your inner voices, should you choose to temporarily identify with them.
When you and your significant other expand consciousness of yourselves to internalize each others’ wisdom and concerns, you are on the dyadic level of consciousness. The energy, richness, complexity and awareness the two of you share exceeds the sum of both your individual bodymind energies and aware nesses. Your couple synergy is enhanced when you use your relationship so each of you grows and has more to give to the relationship as well.
Ken Keyes provided an excellent model for such synergistic dyadic consciousness. [Keyes, K., Handbook to Higher Consciousness, 5th Edition,: Living Love, 1979 and A Conscious Person’s Guide to Relationships, Kentucky: Living Love, 1979.] Keyes says to welcome upsets in your relationship. You can use upsets to raise your consciousness. He suggests you fully share your deepest feelings and process what you say to yourself which make you feel separate from and opposed to one another. You can then experience your oneness.
Relate compassionately, Keyes says, to your lover’s problems as signals for her or him to grow without also getting yourself caught up emotionally. Process your own emotional upsets, feel centered and loving and then act freely. Use your relationship to stimulate internal dialogue at the personality levels of each of you, so you can both raise your individual and mutual consciousness. When you’re upset, disturbed, unhappy or dissatisfied with your mate, explore your own addictions, that is, how you tell yourself your other must be and your relationship must be for you to be happy. Such addictions trigger your upset. You stop suffering and instead grow when you stop being addicted.
Change your addictions to preferences. Preferences are desires which, if not fulfilled, do not make you suffer.
ANSWER THE QUESTIONS BELOW AND INTERNALIZE WHAT YOU JUST READ
What, in Keyes’ framework, are addictions and preferences?
What does he mean when he says to upgrade your addictions to preferences?
Think of an addiction of yours that involves someone with whom you are in a relationship. Speculate on the form your addiction would take if it were raised to a preference.
Imagine that you’ve up leveled your addiction to a preference. Imagine how your life would be affected.
Recall a time when your intimate’s annoying habit or attitude gave you an opportunity to discard an addiction and feel better as a result.
Stop blaming each other for not meeting each other’s expectations. Refrain from making addiction-based demands. Turn off addictions; turn on love. Let your intimate express anger, jealousy and other separating emotions aimed at you, while you love her or him more no matter what she or he does. Let her or his addictions be okay with you.
Realize that in disputes, you win some and lose some; that is okay.
Make your growth and self-expression help your love’s growth as she or he defines it.
Before you enter a deep relationship with another, Keyes invites you to know and accept your own inner voices, personality and bodymind. Enter your relationship so you can cooperate with each other in “the great adventure of life.”
Keyes recommends you avoid using intense love as a basis for involvement, since, at more inclusive levels of consciousness, you’re at living oneness and love with all humanity. You are already deeply in love with everyone. Therefore, he says, choose carefully who you share your time and life games with. Choose someone who contributes to your well-being and vice versa.
“You contribute to your mutual well-being when you enjoy the ‘enoughness’ that you do have in your life, and thus open your heart to happiness by not creating emotion-backed demands for what you don’t have. Learn to emotion- ally accept what is here and now in your life. You will find you always have ‘enough’ in your life.”
Take responsibility, Keyes says, for creating your own happiness in your relationship. You use your relationship to raise your own consciousness only when you work on your own bodymind, personality and subself integration. Keyes suggests such integration allows you to be “in touch with the beautiful, capable and loving” aspects of your own subdyadic consciousness as well as higher consciousness. “I love you,” means “You’re mirroring me and letting me see the beautiful, capable parts of me.”
Make your relationship delightful by being involved and sharing with your intimate, not by being addicted to your intimate for your happiness. To increase your involvement, you must decrease your addictions. Sharing means not hiding anything, so you can build a trusting base.
“Ask for what you want, but don’t be addicted to getting it.”
Keep noticing the beauty and preciousness of the bodymind and higher being your intimate is no matter what subpersonality she or he is affecting.
Open to the form the relationship takes, which, for couples, may be nonmonogamous.
You function at the dyadic level of consciousness when you “discover the ‘us’ place in terms of surrender, compassionate power and mutual give and take.”
SUMMER RAVEN & JAI JOSEPH PUT THIS PHILOSOPHY INTO SONG; Click and sing along.
KEN KEYES YOU TUBES: THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS