LISTEN WITH LOVE & SHOW OTHERS: Internet Radio and article

» Posted by on Oct 21, 2012 in Love, Relationships | 0 comments

LISTEN WITH LOVE & SHOW OTHERS: Internet Radio and article
by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D., Dean, School of Counseling

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Listen to internet radio with Aquarian Radio on Blog Talk Radio

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Read on and experience personal and relationship improvement or at least acceptance.

http://aquarianradio.com/counseling-lessins/

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Understand how genuine concern, authentic communication and active listening help you, your lovers, friends and clients grow.  Listen actively–mirror, validate and empathize with one another. Give genuine regard: paraphrase, summarize, show sympathy. Roleplay–share advanced feedback; show partners, friends and clients how they come across.

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Episode 1, (Oct 25, 2012) SUPPLEMENT: DO-IT-YOURSELF & MAKE IT YOURS FOREVER

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Listen to your lovers, friends and clients so they feel felt, so they know you hear, understand and feel them.  Hold them.  Find out what hurt them and how you can help heal those hurts.  Teach them to hear, paraphrase and empathize with you and how to commit to improve.  Practice kind yet authentic confrontation.  Grow from feedback.

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LISTEN ACTIVELY

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Encourage your lovers, friends, clients and seekers.  Show real concern.  Say what you think and feel.  Mirror and validate each other, feel together; then agree to observable helpful acts.

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Mirror

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When a lover, friends or client shares, complete, in your own words“You say…”.

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Just paraphrase; don’t respond to she or he says.

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If s/he questions you, don’t answer.  Instead, say “You ask …?”  and repeat the question.

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Neither approve nor disapprove of anything s/he says. No eye-rolling or voice sarcasm.  S/he talks, you listen.  You get your turn when you prove you see her or his logic and feel with her or him.

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Keep your voice neutral.  Say what you hear tills/he says you’ve got it right.

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When a lover, friend or seeker says three or four sentences, lift a hand.  She or he stops, you paraphrase.  Signal before s/he says too much for you to mirror.

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The more you listen actively, the more you remember and the longer you let your lovers, friends and seekers speak without signaling.  Even when one of them speaks for several minutes and you finally signal, you faithfully mirror her or him.

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Suppose she or he says, “You never take out trash.”  Suppose, also, you know what s/he said is untrue.  Don’t say, “I dumped trash Wednesday.” Instead, say, in a non-argumentative tone, “You said I never take out trash.”  Then say, “That right?” 

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If she or he says, “No,” or says you didn’t fully and, to her or his satisfaction, get the gist of what s/he said, say, “Say that again.”  Then, patiently, again say what s/he said until s/he’s satisfied you understand.  If you just can’t paraphrase to her or his satisfaction with your words, repeat word-for-word till s/he says, “Correct.

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If s/he says, “Right,” nods her/his head “yes” or otherwise shows you repeated correctly, ask, “Is there more?”

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Validate

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When s/he says, “I said all I want on this subject,” summarize her or his logic, outline the main points.  Say, “You make sense because….” Then review how, from the way s/he related the subject s/he discussed, s/he makes sense.

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Ask her or him if you got the logic and main points right.  If s/he thinks you missed something important, s/he asks you to mirror that.  When s/he agrees that you’ve understood her or his logic, go to the empathy phase of active listening.

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Empathize

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Put yourself emotionally in her (just use the right gender from here on, him or her, his or hers, he or she) place.  Imagine you feel as she did about what she had you mirror and validate.   In her place, do you feel mad, sad, glad or scared?  Then complete this: “I imagine you feel…”  Guess how she feels, what emotions she probably experiences.

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Then ask her, “Is that what you felt?”   And “What else did you feel?”

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Request Action

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Ask her, “What specific behaviors would you like to request to help you heal the pain you shared?”  Alternately, ask, “What can I do to make your life better this week?”

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Next, your turn to speak while she mirrors, validates and empathizes with you, then agrees to a behavior you request.

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LISTEN WITH LOVE

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Take turns with a lover, friend or seeker.  Read the cues in bold print aloud to each other. Give her or him time (take five breaths) to consider and respond.  Where you see ###, you talk.  Read words in brackets [ ] to yourself.

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.HOW CAN I/A LOVER [choose one] PLEASE YOU DEEPLY? ***

Wait. I heard you say … ###. [Finish in your  words .]

That correct?  [partner gives you corrections.  Paraphrase until s/he says, “you’ve got it right”.]

Would you say more on this subject?   [Paraphrase and ask if there’s more till s/he finishes on this subject.  When s/he says, “That’s all“, complete the next two sentences.]

You make sense because ### [Pretend you’re him or her and that you see things from his or her perspective.  Say how s/he makes sense.]

I imagine you feel …. ###.  Say what you do feel.

What specific things that will please you deeply, things a camera could see, would you like to ask of me?

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TELL ME WHAT I/A/ LOVER CAN DO THAT TURNS YOU ON? 

You said …
That right?
Say more on this.
You make sense because …. ###
Do you feel …? ###
What else do you feel?
What specific things a camera could see, would you like to ask of me?

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HOW CAN I/A LOVER SUPPORT YOU?
Wait.  You said … ### 
Right?
More to say more on this subject?
You make sense because..###.
My guess: you feel … ###.
Is that right? Say what you do feel.
What would like from me?

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TELL ME HOW I/A LOVER CAN MAKE YOU FEEL RESPECTED.
You’re saying … ###. That right?
Would you say more on this subject?
You make sense because … ###.
I imagine you feel … ###.
What do you feel?
Ask a lover/me to do something to help you feel respected.

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WHAT CAN I/A LOVER DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED?
You said …###.
Right? Say more.
You make sense because###.
I guess you feel … ###.   What, indeed, do you feel?
What actions could show you I love you?  Say what you want me to do.
What do you want from a lover/me?

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WHAT CAN I/A LOVER DO TO HELP YOU FEEL LOVED, LOVE YOURSELF & GROW?

If, while you grew, you felt accepted and loved, you consider yourself worthwhile.  You have a good self-image that gives you confidence to grow emotionally.  You know sometimes other people dislike what you do; sometimes they influence you to change what you do.  Yet you feel basically ok; you have the self-confidence to express yourself spontaneously.

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But if you felt unloved or loved only when you acted certain ways, you get a bad self-image.  A bad self-image splits you.  You fight the impulse to spontaneous creativity you need to enliven yourself.  You worry to yourself what others might say if you’re spontaneous.

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When you feel someone loves you even though she or he frowns on some things you do, you experience unconditional acceptance; that helps you accept yourself.  When s/he insists, for her or him to love you, that you act as s/he approves, you experience conditional acceptance and that makes it harder for you to accept yourself.

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RELATE HELPING RELATIONSHIPS’ RATIONALE

Fortunately, even if you received only conditional acceptance, bad self- images and conflicts between how you think you should be and how you are, there’s still hope.  You can develop a positive self-image when you feel accepted and loved.  Give love and acceptance through a helping relationship. In such a relationship, you share, in addition to acceptance and care, honesty as to your emotions. Give, also, empathetic understanding.  By empathetic understanding, you let a person know you can relate to the way she or he sees, hears and feels things.

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… understand themselves more.

… accept inner voices they denied before.

… get along better with, accept, and understand people more.

… think, feel and act in a consistent, congruent and integrated way.

… get more like they like to be–their ideal selves and real selves merge

…do what they please and are confident

…. become more individualistic, unique, and expressive

… stop depending too much on others’ guidance.

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When you express yourself candidly to others, they get more honest with themselves and with you. When you accept them, they accept you.  Where you speak empathetically, listen to and give feedback to them, they start listening to themselves.  They clarify their own directions and gain confident.

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Others must feel you empathize with them so they can open up and grow.  Understand them, express sympathy so they perceive you as understanding experiencing with them the emotions they experience.  This active listening helps them grow.

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Understand them before they understand you.  You need only understand; you need not necessarily agree with what they say.

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Speak as slowly and energetically as they speak.  Breathe in and out at the same time they do.  Posture and gesture as they do.

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Unobtrusively, notice both what they say and the emotions they convey.  Nod, request clarification. Straighten up and lean forward to show they’ve perked your interest. Paraphrase them.  These behaviors encourage them to express, understand, accept themselves and grow.

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Warm-up with Exaggerated active listening

Create alone time with a partner.

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You both think, “What would I most like to experience before I die” (or anything else you choose to share)..

Now share this information.  Rephrase your partner’s information into your own words until your partner agrees you understand what s/he said.  When s/he agrees you accurately paraphrased her or him, say what you think.  Then s/he paraphrases you.  Do this for every sentence for ten minutes; this exaggerated active listening trains you both to track each other’s verbal communications.

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Practice Natural Intval reflection

Speak naturally with your friends, seekers, lovers or clients.  Each thinks, “What concerns me now?” Each of you think of something that concerns you.  Each says his or her concern as you paraphrase silently in your own head.  Every once in a while–after one of you says ten or twenty sentences–say what you heard and ask if your summary’s correct.

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Field Experiment

Sometime this week subtly paraphrase someone you talk with using “Do you mean…?”  “What I’m picking up from you is…”  “Let’s see if I understand, you’re saying….”  This lets the person talking know you’re listening and keeps you, the listener, alert to the talker.

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RESEARCH SUPPORT FOR ROGERS’ THEORY

Researchers amassed convincing evidence for Dr. Rogers’ hypothesis that honesty, acceptance of client and empathetic understanding (shown by active listening) yield growth in self-understanding, self-acceptance, satisfying social interaction, congruent thought, feeling and action, self-confidence, individuality, independence and less punishing ideals.  The researchers recorded sessions for 18 months at the University of Chicago’s Counseling Center for clients seeing Rogerian counselors.  The researchers gave these clients and also non-clients (equated as control groups in terms of age, sex, student or non-student status, etc.) psychological tests.  The data they got prove that clients get candor, acceptance and active listening feel better afterwards.  The clients’friends say the clients acted more maturely after active listening.  The non-client control group lacked the changes the clients made.

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ROLEPLAY

With a seeker, client, friend or lover, talk awhile about your lives.  Then portray each other.  Enact each other and say what you’re like, what‘s your existence and what kind of a person you are, as though you’re really the lover you imitate.
Tell each other how you felt as you saw yourself portrayed.
If you think your partner you misrepresented you, correct him or her.
Add anything else you want your partner to know about you.
Express your emotions toward each other.
Say what needs motivate the feelings you expressed toward each other.
Express the unfinished emotions your have toward each other.
Say what you withheld from one another.
Tell each other what you resent.
Hold hands and say what specific actions you want from each other.
Say what you appreciate in each other and in the way you relate to each other.
Each of you say how you felt you watched yourself portrayed in this roleplaying exercise. 

http://schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/RelationshipCounseling.htm

http://schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/BeYourselfChanging.htm

http://schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/ReprogramImprints.htm

http://schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/ExistentialLifeReview.htm

http://schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/JourneyToTomorrow.htm

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