Posts made in January, 2012

Monogamish Couples Share Their Stories

»Posted by on Jan 5, 2012 in Love, Polyamory | 0 comments

Monogamish Couples Share Their Stories By Dan Savage • January 6, 2012 From : Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren’t monogamous, because they don’t want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce. This state of affairs—couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and wound up divorced won’t shut up; couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and are still together won’t speak up—allows smug and insecure monogamists to run around insisting that there’s no such thing as happy, stable monogamish couples. “You know lots of couples who have had three-ways and flings who aren’t divorced,” I told the skeptics a few weeks ago, “you just don’t know you know them.” In an effort to introduce the skeptics to some happily monogamish couples, I invited coupled people who’d had successful flings, affairs, three-ways, and swinging experiences to write in and share their stories. The response was overwhelming—I may write a book—and I’m turning over the rest of this week’s column to their stories. —Dan My husband and I have issues like any couple, but I still smile when I see him walk into a room, and he still takes my hand when we’re walking down the street. For the past seven years, we have been “monogamish.” It started off with a discussion of “If you ever cheat on me and it’s a one-time thing, I wouldn’t want to know.” Then, when he turned 40, we had a threesome with a female friend. When I actually saw him “in the moment,” I didn’t have the jealous feelings I had always feared. There is no question that our relationship is our first priority, but just the possibility of a little strange now and then makes him feel like a stud. (And I reap the benefits!) I don’t much care for sex without emotion and affection, so my flings have been rather limited. We haven’t told our families or more than a couple of friends. I don’t want to deal with the judgment of others. For the first five years of my marriage, everything was great: lots of sex, both GGG, lots of love. Then my wife’s libido failed. Whatever the problem was, she couldn’t articulate it. After a year where we’d had sex twice, I reached out to someone else. I used Craigslist and I was honest: I explained that I had no intention of leaving my wife and that I was looking for someone in a situation similar to mine. It took months to find the right person. We struck up a years-long affair. At the same time, I had a wonderful-yet-sexless marriage. Then, after nearly four years, a strange thing happened: My wife’s libido came back strong. To this day, she cannot explain why it left or why it came back. With the reason for my affair gone, I ended things with my fuck buddy. And you know what? Years of honest talk made this easy. She understood; we went our separate ways. So I had a four-year affair without getting caught. Here’s how I pulled it off: I never told anyone about it ever, I chose a partner who wanted exactly what I wanted, we didn’t film ourselves (as hot as that sounded), we used condoms, I kept my computer clear of any evidence, and we never called or texted each other. My husband and I are monogamish but also LMGs—legally married gays. We feel tremendous pressure to be perfect. The thing is, we are perfect. We love each other, we support each other, and we have amazing sex with each other—and the occasional cameo performer, who is always treated with respect. (We have a rule about not inviting someone into our bedroom who we wouldn’t be friends with outside the bedroom.) That said, the fact that Ron and Nancy down the street are swingers will raise eyebrows, but it won’t impact the perceived legitimacy of mixed-gender marriage. But if Ed and Ted happen to invite a third into their bedroom, that would prove the gays are destroying marriage/the country/the fabric of the universe. Even other gays get judgmental. So, at least for now, our monogamishness is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And who needs to know? Just our sex-positive doctor and the occasional hot third who gets a golden ticket into our bedroom. I agree with you that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open....

read more


»Posted by on Jan 5, 2012 in Love | 0 comments

SEXUAL LOVE IS NOT UNCONDITIONAL by Janet Kira Lessin It’s very hard to make love with someone and not fall in love. Relationships can also be conditional love, so loving someone’s not purely dependent on sex being a part of the equation. Loving unconditionally is the key, whether or not someone is involved with you in any way, shape or form, sexually or not. Proximity enhances bonds. Distance can create distance. Love and involvement are two different things. Test is, can you unconditionally love those with whom you are no longer involved? When you reach that state of grace, you have arrived. A smile springs up on your face, the great light bulb of the eternal “ah-hah” lights up above your head and you grok it. Samadhi. Peace. Death often is the first teacher where one learns how to love unconditionally. From there it’s often an easy step to learn unconditional love with those who cannot be with you or consciously chose to no longer be physically connected (sexually or in relationships) with you. No matter what happens, you can chose to return to love. Always return to love. It is a choice. Life constantly delivers lesson on love. Embrace them. Love is your teacher. A beloved died a couple weeks ago. Being polyamorous, I can acknowledge love freely with my husband and it is expected, in many ways, that the love we once felt with beloveds, even though they are no longer with us, continues. We don’t have to say silly things about past lovers like, “I loved them so much,” as if loving them now, while involved with our current partner, is some kind of sin. We openly acknowledge, embrace and accept love, celebrate it, whenever and with whomever love was and is shared. This partner moved away, physically left us over 10 years ago. He was part of a couple. We didn’t communicate much over those years. But on his death bed, he proclaimed his love for us. And his wife made sure we knew how much we were loved by him. What a gift. I appreciate how mindful and respectful we all were of one another’s feelings over the years. It was not appropriate nor convenient for our relationship to continue with the same depth and intensity it once had when they made the decision to move away. But the love we felt continued. Neither time nor distance made it fade. That’s perhaps the test of true love. For true love is truly unconditional. And I have been blessed to receive and give unconditional love in this lifetime. Sexuality faded away for us. While it was pleasant till it ended, it wasn’t the end of love when sex was no longer in the equation. So while it’s difficult not to fall in love while making love, once love happens it’s very difficult for love to stop. And what a gift that is.

read more